I cant take this any more!!!!

This is it! I still havent talked to my dad and it´s been 3 months! it´s killin' me 2 know that he doesn´t care enough to even send a text or write somthing on facebook or anything! I´m thinkin about walkin in 2 his house and pretend like there has only been a few days but i´m afraid about what he will say, or if he will say anything! I had a dream last night and i´ve dreamed dreams that came true before! but those dreams were like one time i dreamed of a dog that i knew in reality, she died in the dream and 2 weeks l8r she died 4 real! and sometimes i just dream about things that happens in class. This dream was about every1. I was out walking, on the road that i go every mornin 4 real and then i saw dad and "them" and i walked up to them and walked next to dad. He didn´t say anything until all the others had walked a little faster than us and we were behind them so they couldn´t here what we said. Then he said:" You´ve gotta understand that i can´t pretend this never happened, i cant trust you anymore". That was just a dream but those words hurt me more than anything can ever hurt anyone. Me and dad were always so close until now and somehow i think those words came from dads heart, 4 real. But atleast he talked to me and let me in to his family again. I cant believe that im saying his family. I´m his family! wether he wants it or not! and nobody understands me! no matter what dad have done in the past i´ve forgiven him, but dad´s not like me! if somebody is mean to me i dont ever forgive them but dad doesnt even forgive me!? Could somebody help me! I´m being torn apart by myself and i dont know wich side to go, what to do! its almost christmas and its not that i want presents from him, believe me, i just want to look him in the eyes and tell him that i´m sorry and that it´ll never happen again, but how can anybody promise such a thing? and i wouldn´t be able to say that without crying and then i wouldnt look him in the eyes. And as if that wasnt enough i am afraid that i will forget all the good times we had! and even though i have so many pictures, i dont know how i can remember everything, who knows how many years it can be until he contacts me? and i am to unsecure to contact him! mom doesnt understand at all. she thinks that i dont want anything to do with him! and i´m thinkin about how i will react in 40-50 years when someone calls and tells me that he´ve died! what if i dont see him ever again! what if he and Jenny gets married? then i´m sure that i wont get anything from him as a memory! Or if they gets a baby! if they gets a baby i swear to god and every1 else that i will kill myself! i might be a strong girl but that is something i can not handle! not even if i never see him again! just knowing they have a baby would kill me if i dont do it myself! but that is ONLY if they get a baby, i will not do them the favot of losing me for anything else. Besides i wouldnt make everyone else around me suffer for nothing! Please just tell me what to do! My parents have always trusted me and said :" do what you want!" about EVERYTHING! it probably sounds perfect for some people but trust me, i´d do anything for my parents to care! i feel like mom dont care about me at all and specially not whith my halfbrother(wich i love with all my heart) and my stupid selfish-psycho-stepfather!(wich i hate!). All that is keeping me going right now is my 2 friends, music and hope! ive prayed to god before, and it worked! for about 2 weeks! back then i prayed for dads girlfriend and her kids to move, and then they moved back, then they moved again after i prayed again, and then they moved back in, and so on. That is probably one of the biggest reasons that i dont trust god enough to pray anymore. Although i did pray last tuesday buit only because Justin Bieber drove me to it by his song! If i ever meet Jb i swear i will go to church every sunday and pray every night! but it´ll never happen! dad has pretty much money, mom is doing the best she can. I will never be able to go to any concert without dad! only if i throw it myself wich is not gonna happen! I LOVE to sing but i am way too shy to sing to anybody but my friends! i can barely let my mom hear me and she only hears me when i cant see hear! that is a huge problem in music class but then we´re 28 people! thats a huge difference! OK, enough now. Just Comment and tell me what to do!!!!!! Pleeeeeeeease! And if santa reads this!!( i know he doesnt exist but it´s worth a try =P ) All i want for christmas is for my dad to call me and tell me what he feels!!! (an a new cellphone, mine is broken :S ) Bye everyone!!!

Perez Hilton

Perez Hilton. Some people h8s him, some loves him, I? I like him! he´s not afraid of taking some critic and he doesnt lie, usually :S :P i look up to him and he is a really good source of celeb news when you want it!
I dont know why he came across my mind, he just did! and now you know what i think about him :P

OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!

TO EVERY SWEDISH PERSON IN THE WORLD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
MAN HAR CHANSEN ATT BLI SVERIGES STÖRSTA JUSTIN BIEBER FAN, GÅ IN PÅ http://kanal5.se/web/guest/welovetv/-/blogs/trackback/4513591
SÅ FÅR DU VETA MER, MAN FÅR SKRIVA NAMN/NICKNAME OCH MOTIVERING, HUR ENKELT SOM HELST! JAG ÄLSKAR JUSTIN BIEBERS MUSIK! HAN ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄGEEEEER!!!!!!!!!!!!
//Nina.

Thank God for music!

The pictures says it all..

It get´s worse!!!

This happened Friday 10th of September 2010.
We have a fair in our little "village" that weekend and the day before(friday) we have a dance, it´s always great and everybody´s having a great time. But this year, when almost everyone had left ( other than we who worked there and was gonna clean up a little) and my cousin, let´s call her "Sara" (that´s not her name) worked in the bar and she stod there and talked to a guy and they had a good time, and then dad said that everybody had to leave the building (dad was drunk, as usual) and we told him that that guy that "Sara" talked to was hiring a room there(wich was completly true!)but dad didn´t listen and after a while he started to scream at everyone and then "Sara" raised her voice so that he would listen and told him that he hired a room there and dad walked up to her and leaned over the bar(wich was between them) and whispered sort of, with his evil voice(i don´t remember what he whispered but i know i heard everything and saw everything that happened). Anyway, the guy that "Sara" had talked to still stood there but he had taken a few steps back and watched "Sara" and my dad. And suddenly dad hit "Sara" and she said: Stop! Not me! Really! stop! For real!, And dad said ,with a voice as if he made fun of her: Not me, for real! and then "Sara" putted down her Loka soda on the bar so hard that it broke and the soda ran down from the bar and out on the floor, my step grandmother took dads shoulders and led him out through the kitchen and out and told him to go home, and i gave him his flashlight and since me and "Sara" was supposed to stay at his house that night he said that he wouldn´t lock the door, in case i still wanted to come. and then he walked away with a smile on his face. At that exact moment, my heart broke, more than it ever had done before. After i went inside again i started to clean up the soda from the floor with a mop, and i hadn´t cried yet, but then my cousin. who sat down behind the bar now, crying, told me to go to her and she hugged me and we both started to cry, really loud and then i went back to wiping the floors but this time i cried, still pretty loud. I had to do that, so that i wouldn´t think about what just had happened too much. I cleaned the whole floor there that night and it was actually a big floor, where we had danced and had a great time, just minutes before. I stayed and mums house that night and my grandma, grandpa and their friend borrowed a room and 3 beds in my step grandma´s second house so "Sara" slept in that house too, but i haven´t talked to my dad about it since then, i have only seen him once after it happened and that was the day after, at the fair, ´cus he worked there too, i worked in the kitchen and he outside but my wirk was to fix soda, jam and other supplies everywhere and i asked him if they needed anything, other than that ,oh wait, i´ve talked to him one more time since then, the saturday, he asked me if he had hit "Sara" and i said yeah, but i never told him that i had seen it all. i didn´t want to get in the middle. But since then i haven´t talked to him. I know he is a monster, but only when he´s drunk. I remember before he did the surgery, that was gonna help him to lose weight, that wasnt what made himlike this but still, after that i havent been alobne with him long enough to get a good memory of it, Anyway, before that he could drink a little whine sometimes but he never got drunk enough for me to care, i knew it but he was still my daddy, calm and caring... You can´t believe how much i miss those times, when i was little and he came back from work and woke me up, in the middle of the night and we watcheed some tv or something and then went to bed, and the same morning we woke up early and ate food as breakfast while mum was asleep, and then we woke her up and we had a family moment. Mom and dad hvent been together since i was a baby but at that time they lived together anyway, for me, and since dad worked on the weekdays, it all worked out anyway. I WANT TO GO BACK TO THOSE TIMES! I´m only 14 but i still feel like my life is over, I´m not sure if my heart can heal after that dance thing. We´ll see...

He Did it again!

He did it again... This time his cousin and her boyfriend came for a visit, they were all drunk and dad said something mean to her and she threw a glass of wine at him so he pushed her so hard that she lost her balance and slipped on the floor and hit her back in the furnace(i´m not sure about the translation)so when i saw it it was bleeding and then Jenny (i think u know who she is if yoiu´ve read the other posts)got to wash the wound and put plaster on the wound(I´m really doubtful about this translation but whatever) And then dad got crazy for some other thing when we´d all gone to beb ( this "accident" happened in the middle of the night) and he ,as usual, blamed us kids!

And today my dad was going to go shop some chicken food (For the chickens, not to eat chicken)and suddenly Jenny was gone too! without any warning, and they´d locked to the kitshen so we couldn´t get to eat until they came home, and guess what! They were gone from about 8:30 am 'til 7pm! atleast i think so, cus here we´ve got different time..But from half past 8 at morning 'til 7 at night so i think it´s right..
BTW, even if noone is reading this blog i´mma keep writing it cus i need to get it out somehow, it´s like my diary, so its ok that noone is reading it :P
Feel free to comment ´but if it´s something negative: just don´t write it, i have enough negativity at dads place :(

TÄVLING!

Jag vet att jag inte har skrivit nåt på JÄTTELÄNGE, men mycket har hänt...
Min katt Demi fick 5 dödfödda kattungar, min katt Nova fick 4 levande kattungar. Min hund bet ihjäl 1 och klöste ihjäl 3. Min pappa fick ett till utbrott igår och, tja det var väl nästan allt, och Min morbrors hund, min allra bästa vän i hela världen, fick avlivas måndag den första juni p.g.a något fel på öron, ögon och början på livmodercancer, och hade också ett dåligt hjärta. Alltså, efter att hunden, Akita, blivit avlivad så har alla omkring mig dött.Kattungarna dog efter att Akita blivit avlivad och allt dåligt händer mig! Att Akita blev avlivad var för hennes bästa, men jag tycker att livet kunde vara LITE mer rättvist åtminstone. Jag är bara nästan 14, men jag har ett långt förflutet...
oj, jag höll på att glömma: Jag är med i en tävling, och jag ska lägga ut den här videon här så att jag är med i tävlingen.

Feelings.

<--- Yngve.
I am not good at talking about my feelings, and if i´m in pain of some sort i just don´t talk about it. Instead i sing about my emotions, of course i make sure that no one is close enough to hear me but it works. And if i´m on the bus or something i listens to music that sings about my feelings. You could say that i live for music.
Or rather, I couldn´t live without music. Right now i´m listening to "Listen" by Beyoncé in Dreamgirls. I´ve told my dad about how i felt about "them" once, and dad talked to Jenny and she walked in and started to cry. I was way to nice because i went into their room and said : " I only wanted you to be nicer". That was the biggest mistake of my life, besides asking her the first time. I have a necklace that says Forever with a heart. I´m not sure what it stands for, but for me it stands for all my losts. That i will never forget Yngve- a dog that died last summer, Tarzan- My cat that disappeared, Ruby- my other cat that ate ratpoison and died and all of the others, both animals and humans.

Valentines.

This was the worst valentinesday ever! I spent the day with my dad and "them". Dad was drinking wine, at first it was all ok but then it got to much. He and Amalia had fun and then something happened, he had drank too much and started to hit Jenny, She pushed him and he almost fell down the stairs. He said she tryed to kill him and they started to scream to eachother. Then he threw a wine bottle at her, a lamp in the floor and another bottle of wine at her. Amalia and me had to sit there in a corner and watch. Amalia, that stupid cow, was going to them to "help her mom" and i told her to stay but she didn´t listen and i was so furious! she is so stupid! anyway, there was wine and glass all over the livingroom floor. When they´d calmed down they started to clean up all the wine and dad said he was sorry to me and Amalia, wich btw didn´t even realize what happened. When dad threw the wine she sat in the sofa and laughed! And Jenny didn´t leave! She should´ve gone home as fast as she could, right!? I would never put my children in that position!

Broke my heart.

This blog is about me, my life and my broken heart. It´s not about some guy that broke up or something, it´s about my father and how he breaks my heart over and over again. He is an alcoholic. He says he isn´t but about 6 years ago when i was 7-8 i could hear right away when he was drunk, my mom and him had moved apart and i was ok with that. He always invited this girl, Jenny, and friends. One day when it was only us three and one other person at home dad asked me; " do you want to ask her to move in with us?". And i was the happiest, i didn´t remember that she had too kids, Amalia( 4 years old at that point) and Casper (6 years old at that point). When they´d moved in noone got along, Amalia was in my room all the time and she even took a pencil and painted on the wall in there! As i got furious Jenny was angry at me, if you ask me Jenny is a psyko who didn´t realize that her child had some sort of problem. So Amalia continued as she was even though my dad tried to teach her what was right and what was wrong. She even stoled from stores and shops. My dad was drinking before that but not as much. Now, like today, he is really drunk and i´m with my mum, they live neighbors, and Jenny and her kids have moved into our house( we even had to buy a new house and move so we didn´t have to share rooms) 6 times and right now they don´t live with us, they´re only here at weekends. I am so tired of seeing my dad like this and when he´s drunk he says all kinds of mean stuff. He´ve never hit me but he have "attacked" both of Jennys children and still she doesn´t realise she should leave him alone! Her son Casper is scared and almost never comes here, Amalia is still the way she´ve always been even though she is almost 10 years old! Jenny is nothing but a selfish egoistic mean witch! every time my dad drinks he breakes my heart.