I cant take this any more!!!!

This is it! I still havent talked to my dad and it´s been 3 months! it´s killin' me 2 know that he doesn´t care enough to even send a text or write somthing on facebook or anything! I´m thinkin about walkin in 2 his house and pretend like there has only been a few days but i´m afraid about what he will say, or if he will say anything! I had a dream last night and i´ve dreamed dreams that came true before! but those dreams were like one time i dreamed of a dog that i knew in reality, she died in the dream and 2 weeks l8r she died 4 real! and sometimes i just dream about things that happens in class. This dream was about every1. I was out walking, on the road that i go every mornin 4 real and then i saw dad and "them" and i walked up to them and walked next to dad. He didn´t say anything until all the others had walked a little faster than us and we were behind them so they couldn´t here what we said. Then he said:" You´ve gotta understand that i can´t pretend this never happened, i cant trust you anymore". That was just a dream but those words hurt me more than anything can ever hurt anyone. Me and dad were always so close until now and somehow i think those words came from dads heart, 4 real. But atleast he talked to me and let me in to his family again. I cant believe that im saying his family. I´m his family! wether he wants it or not! and nobody understands me! no matter what dad have done in the past i´ve forgiven him, but dad´s not like me! if somebody is mean to me i dont ever forgive them but dad doesnt even forgive me!? Could somebody help me! I´m being torn apart by myself and i dont know wich side to go, what to do! its almost christmas and its not that i want presents from him, believe me, i just want to look him in the eyes and tell him that i´m sorry and that it´ll never happen again, but how can anybody promise such a thing? and i wouldn´t be able to say that without crying and then i wouldnt look him in the eyes. And as if that wasnt enough i am afraid that i will forget all the good times we had! and even though i have so many pictures, i dont know how i can remember everything, who knows how many years it can be until he contacts me? and i am to unsecure to contact him! mom doesnt understand at all. she thinks that i dont want anything to do with him! and i´m thinkin about how i will react in 40-50 years when someone calls and tells me that he´ve died! what if i dont see him ever again! what if he and Jenny gets married? then i´m sure that i wont get anything from him as a memory! Or if they gets a baby! if they gets a baby i swear to god and every1 else that i will kill myself! i might be a strong girl but that is something i can not handle! not even if i never see him again! just knowing they have a baby would kill me if i dont do it myself! but that is ONLY if they get a baby, i will not do them the favot of losing me for anything else. Besides i wouldnt make everyone else around me suffer for nothing! Please just tell me what to do! My parents have always trusted me and said :" do what you want!" about EVERYTHING! it probably sounds perfect for some people but trust me, i´d do anything for my parents to care! i feel like mom dont care about me at all and specially not whith my halfbrother(wich i love with all my heart) and my stupid selfish-psycho-stepfather!(wich i hate!). All that is keeping me going right now is my 2 friends, music and hope! ive prayed to god before, and it worked! for about 2 weeks! back then i prayed for dads girlfriend and her kids to move, and then they moved back, then they moved again after i prayed again, and then they moved back in, and so on. That is probably one of the biggest reasons that i dont trust god enough to pray anymore. Although i did pray last tuesday buit only because Justin Bieber drove me to it by his song! If i ever meet Jb i swear i will go to church every sunday and pray every night! but it´ll never happen! dad has pretty much money, mom is doing the best she can. I will never be able to go to any concert without dad! only if i throw it myself wich is not gonna happen! I LOVE to sing but i am way too shy to sing to anybody but my friends! i can barely let my mom hear me and she only hears me when i cant see hear! that is a huge problem in music class but then we´re 28 people! thats a huge difference! OK, enough now. Just Comment and tell me what to do!!!!!! Pleeeeeeeease! And if santa reads this!!( i know he doesnt exist but it´s worth a try =P ) All i want for christmas is for my dad to call me and tell me what he feels!!! (an a new cellphone, mine is broken :S ) Bye everyone!!!